The weather in the UK is never particularly consistent, and of late there has been a surge in hot and humid conditions spawning thunderstorms in the lead up to summer. While many are happy it isn't cold and miserable, the unique weather patterns have one major side effect.
Super fleas with giant penises.
It sounds like something out of a B-grade science fiction film, but UK households are readying themselves for the arrival of billions of these grotesque sounding insects.
Normally, the majority of fleas die off during cold temperatures, but this past season many of the fleas survive, lying dormant in the freezing conditions and waiting for the warmer weather to arrive.
The unseasonably warm weather during spring caused fleas to multiply in higher numbers, with females able to lay up to 50 eggs in a 24-hour span that hatch days later and can live for months.
These super fleas possess a wang two and a half times bigger than their actual bodies. They are literally the porn stars of the insect world, focused on multiplying as often as possible. These fleas have the biggest dicks, relative to their size, on the entire planet earth, putting the great Ron Jeremy to shame.
How they manage to jump is beyond us, and we certainly feel sympathy for all the female fleas that come in contact with these well-hung, sex-crazed males.
Experts have warned pet owners to be extremely vigilant as these parasites often infiltrate homes via cats and dogs and then make themselves comfortable in carpets and furniture.
A spokesman for pest controllers Basic Prompt warned: “The activity and behaviour of fleas is often very much dependent on the climate. As they thrive in a warm and humid environment, they’re likely to be present in greater numbers than usual during the next few weeks. The population of fleas seems to have grown rapidly in recent years, but the risk of an infestation could be bigger than ever this summer.”
Not only have the super fleas sex organs mutated because of the warmer weather, but these insects also have become immune to many poisons people purchase over the counter to stop infestations in their homes.
A recent study by Dr Tim Nutall, a veterinary dermatologist at the University of Liverpool, found the UK flea population has risen dramatically over the past five years.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4 Nutall put the rise in super fleas down to “damp summers and mild winters,” the prime conditions for fleas to thrive in.
So next time you’re complaining about the heat during summer, just remember it means you won't have to deal with sex-starved fleas with huge dongs multiplying throughout your house.