Have you ever wondered why Nick Cage, an apparently talented, Oscar award-winning actor, commits to onscreen atrocities like Drive Angry? Why a guy who has starred in over 94 blockbuster films, whose distinguished career spans three decades and has earned the acclaim and recognition of his peers and critics alike, would ever agree to do ONE Ghostrider, let alone two.
The Movie's Called "Drive Angry". It's Like The Terminator, But With Nicolas Cage!
Goddamn, the guy is a freaking Coppola, nephew to one of the most famous Hollywood directors of all time and related to a litany of big names like Sofia Coppola and Jason Schwarzman.
So why does he do it? Why is Nicolas Cage both one of the greatest actors of his generation and, at the same time, one of the most mocked and derided? The answer lies, as it does so often with exceedingly wealthy creative Hollywood types, in his personal habits.
We all know the story. It’s Robert Downey Junior’s relentless desire for cocaine or it’s Charlie Sheen’s reckless compulsion for high-risk sexual encounters. It’s the endless smorgasbord of cocaine, prostitutes, Percocet and bisexuality. It’s the circle of life for Hollywood elite; soaring like Icarus through the dizzying heights of fame and crashing in the gutter outside Johnny Depp’s Viper Lounge.
But not for Nick Cage. No, while we’re sure he’s indulged (look at the man and tell us straight-faced that this guy is sober), little Nicky has a different drug of choice. And for the amount of money it’s cost him, he might’ve been better off just sticking to cocaine and hookers.
It’s property. Big-ass, obscure and often eccentric purchases have drained his once impressive $150 million fortune, which has diminished over the years down to a paltry $25 mil (We know, how does he survive?).
Over the course of his deep dive into property investment, Cage was forced to foreclose on several properties and was stuck with millions in property tax for the pleasure. You see, the thing is, Nicolas Cage doesn’t want to star in these dumpster fires any more than we want to see National Treasure 3. But his bizarre penchant for buying insane properties wrought such havoc on his personal finances he simply had no choice.
It would appear Nic is strapped for cash again. Thankfully he’s not starring in some godawful film this time (except that he totally is – look up the Croods 2). But at least he’s also doing something sensible to ease his money troubles by selling one of his iconic San Francisco homes. Compass Realty of San Fran advertises the home as boasting some of the city’s best views, as well as an “open and airy main floor, a large foyer with classic staircase, formal living and dining rooms, library, powder room, and an eat-in kitchen”, along with three storeys, six bedrooms, a wine cellar and a gym – all for the low, low price of $10.95 million. Bargain.
In honour of Cage’s sale, we decided to look back on some of the wilder residences he paid baffling amounts of money to obtain (along with some other weird purchases he made along the way).
We’ll go in order of least insane to most insane. Let’s start.
LaLaurie Mansion, New Orleans – price paid: $3.4 million
The Locals Say The Old Place Is Haunted By The Ghost Of Nicolas Cage's Career.
This iconic piece of New Orleans real estate is nestled right near the edge of the famed Mississipi river, in the heart of N'Orleans. And while it’s undoubtedly a stunning example of late 19th-century French-inspired architecture, it’s also reportedly the most haunted house in all of America. Previously, the home to Delphine LaLaurie, more commonly known as Madam Blanque, this lovely three storey abode was where the lady of the house routinely tortured and murdered her African slaves. Reports of mistreatment were so gruesome that a local mob formed and raided the mansion, destroying everything they could get their hands on. Considering local whites in the area at that time weren't exactly at the height of the civil rights movement, you can imagine some pretty bad stuff was going down.
Not One, But Two Castles in Europe – price paid: $10 million and $2.3 million
Apparently, The Two Famous European Castles Are Well-Known For Their "Knight-Life".
The first thing that strikes us? The price of one of those castles! $2.3 million for a whole friggin’ castle?! You’re telling us we can have turrets, a drawbridge, moat and haunted suits of armour for less than the price of a three-bedroom townhouse in Sydney’s east? Second thing, who the fuck needs one castle, let alone two? Unless he knows something we don’t about the resurgence of medieval siege weaponry.
A deserted Island in the Bahamas – price paid: $3 million
Rumour Has It This Is Where Weezer Wrote Their Hit Song, "Say It Ain't So".
We’re glad that it was specified the island was “deserted” before Nicolas Cage purchased it. It would be a bit awkward if the deal was done, only to find a primitive tribe had been living there in isolation for the past 1000 years, who would likely have to leave, learn a more marketable skill set, create a LinkedIn profile and try their hand in the increasingly competitive world of job searching in a globalised economy. And who needs that headfuck, right?
Also – another ENTIRE ISLAND more affordable than a pissed stained cardboard box in Paddington. So far, we’ve learned you can purchase an island OR an overseas castle, or you could buy a small townhouse in Sydney, a city with a mandatory curfew, a third-world transport network and internet speeds slower than Moldova, the Isle of Man and Andorra.
A Nine Foot Burial Tomb – price paid: his soul*
According to Reports Cage Plans To Recruit People To Sell These Tombs In The World's First Pyramid Pyramid Scheme.
This gaudy nine-foot monstrosity has been the object of many a conspiracy theory for its outlandish design, its cryptic Latin inscription and Cage’s reluctance to talk about it. Yes, Cage gets cagey about his grave-y.
Located in the famous St. Louis Cemetery in New Orleans, the grave is a stark nine-foot tall pyramid that stands in obvious contrast to the smaller, more rectangular tombs set around it. Some observers speculate the pyramid shape is a reference to Cage’s involvement in the Illuminati. The motto engrained on the front in Latin, “Omnia Ab Uno,” means “everything from one”. Others believe, referring to medieval portraits of men bearing striking resemblance to Nicolas Cage, that the 55-year-old is immortal and the pyramid is a source of supernatural power. Yes, they believe, at some stage, Cage doesn’t age.
A pet octopus, the first Superman comic and the late Shah of Iran’s Lambo – price paid: $150,000, $150,000 and $450,000
The Three Items Seem Unrelated, But They're Actually Part Of Cage's Next Film. The Octopus Is Attached To Direct.
What is there to say, really? They seem like pretty cool purchases. Though we’re not sure how much companionship one would receive from an octopus. It might be interesting for a total of two hours if you were really bored. But knowing Cage, it’s probably psychic or something. The Lambo looks pretty slick, but we get the feeling bought it just so he could flex on the Shah of Iran, who’s dead and so presumably doesn’t care. The comic is great and all, until you realise you can’t read it, or open it or even look at it lest it loses its value, and just like that, in an ironic twist of fate, it’s real value is lost. All-in-all, a pretty big waste of money.