It’s summer. You’re a young(ish), virile, stallion of a man, oozing confidence and charisma. The days are hot, the nights are long and the weekends full of sun, sand and seemingly endless barbecues. But most importantly, the girls are – in a word – loose. For some reason, the word ‘relationship’ has slipped from the vocabulary of every eligible maiden, replaced by ‘Tinder’, ‘One-night stand’, and ‘Don’t call me’. For the fast-paced, bros-before-hoes kind of man, it’s the perfect season to indulge your thirst for fun and love of debauchery.
Then autumn hits. Holiday frivolity is replaced by early bedtimes, dark mornings and the grind of the nine-to-five. But most unfortunately; the girls are, well, different. A quick one-nighter borne of a mutual understanding is replaced by a slew of post-coitus text messages, demanding to know why you haven’t called. Drunken nights morph into awkward afternoon coffee dates. And everywhere you look, even the most stoic fuckboys are pairing up. Your social life is in ruins, and you have no idea what went so horribly wrong.
So why this inexplicable shift in the cosmos? Everyone seemed to be having plenty of singleton fun just a month before. Well, you’re not going crazy. The sudden scent of sickly romance is what the cool kids call ‘cuffing season’. That is: the time between the start of autumn and the middle of winter when humans become desperate to find a snuggle-buddy for the colder months. The term is a loose BDSM reference to handcuffs; people want to be ‘cuffed’ to someone who will keep them warm in winter.
Cuffing season isn’t some weird fad. It’s an actual thing, and when put in context makes perfect sense. In America, for example, cuffing season begins around September and ends in early March. Given the below-zero temperatures, social activities can be almost completely eliminated. Who the hell wants to spend a night at the bar when you’d have to drive through a blizzard to get there? It’s not hard to understand why Americans want something to do when they’re trapped at home by an ungodly polar vortex. Especially if that something happens to be someone. Cuffing season also coincides with many of their major holidays; Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. You know, the occasions where Great Auntie Mabel infallibly asks her most promising heirs, “So, darling, why don’t you have a girlfriend? Do you not like girls anymore?”
The term is a loose BDSM reference to handcuffs; people want to be ‘cuffed’ to someone who will keep them warm in winter.
Australians, however, are a little bit different. As our major holidays coincide with summer, our modus operandi varies. We’d rather be unattached for the holidays, finding fulfillment through pure party spirit. Our preference for pairing up is associated with the nothing-months in the middle of the year, when we want to occupy our time with ‘Netflix and chill’.
Also, the numbers don’t lie. According to a 2015 poll from the dating app Hinge, men were 15 per cent more likely to be sniffing around for a relationship in winter than in any other season. However, during summer, men were 11 per cent less likely to couple up. Women, however, are pretty much equally clingy all year ’round. In winter, they were five per cent more likely to want a relationship, and five per cent less likely in the warmer months.
Now, all of this is fine if you’re the kind of guy who’s looking for a relationship. However, if you’re more of a no-strings-attached type of guy – the kind who likes his conquests with a side of see ya later – this is a disaster. Yes, five per cent doesn’t seem like much. However, it could easily be the difference between a wild night with a clean, mutually happy break in the morning, or emotional texts, progressively angry voicemails, and obscure, tear-emoji-ridden Facebook posts denouncing all men.
As a woman in relationship, I can confirm that regardless of what single ladies say during their morning affirmations, it is impossible for women to have meaningless sex. We release more oxytocin (aka the ‘cuddle hormone’) during intercourse than men, which makes us biologically prone to getting nonsensically attached. Ever felt vaguely guilty for assuming women are clingy? Don’t, because we are. No matter what the cranky, neo-Marxist feminasties preach, women by and large prefer emotional, loving sex to a don’t-kiss-me-goodbye romp in the hay. During cuffing season, we are especially prone. However, there are rare exceptions.
If you’re a guy who’s seemingly immune to the cold weather urges, it is possible to avoid the perils of cuffing season. You just have to find those exceptions to the rule.
If you’re a guy who’s seemingly immune to the cold weather urges, it is possible to avoid the perils of cuffing season. You just have to find those exceptions to the rule. I would suggest a woman over 45, divorced at least once. She’s good fun, takes care of herself and after years of experience, knows her way around a bedroom. Not only will she be happy with a hump and dump, she’ll probably be the one kicking you out of bed as soon as it’s over.
Your second option is a puma; a woman between 26 and 34 who has a thing for younger men. You know, like a cougar but younger. She finds the social taboo of being schlonged by a younger man a thrilling one to bust, and would rather put a notch on her bedpost than a shiny rock on her left ring finger. The downside to pumas is they’re not interested if you’re over 25. So, college-age Casanovas; get in while you’re young.
But let’s be honest. Eventually, gentlemen, it is most likely you will want to find a nice woman, settle down, and pop out a couple of kids. I know many an erstwhile man-whore who can attest to that. When such desire hits, you can put cuffing season to good use. By frequenting small places of gathering during autumn, you can use women’s heightened sense of snuggly-ness to more easily catch a mate.
But while you’re happy flying solo, beware of cuffing season. Stick to the divorcees, the pumas, or even the recently-broken-up-and-on-the-rebound. Otherwise, you might just find yourself unwittingly cuffed until spring rears its beautiful, sexy, very much welcomed head.