Every generation finds good reasons to hate those that came after. Imagine how pissed the parents who lived through the 1940s and '50s were as they sat through the contraceptive-fuelled Summers of Love in the sex-mad ’60s.
Nothing, but nothing, though, causes a rising rankle of hatred and raging injustice like the existence of Tinder.
Anyone – and I mean anyone – who is either too old, or too married, or committed, to have lived in a time where they had access to this 'Fish in a Barrel' dating app of delights is angry at the world about it, and even angrier at all the people who tell them how great it is. How easy.
And it’s literally impossible to go through life, as a married or taken man, without someone raving to you about it, or offering you to swipe for them.
This is because Australians, randy dogs that we are, sit atop the world when it comes to Tinder use, on a per capita basis, according to the Gruen Transfer’s Russel Howcroft. Looking very much like one of the millions of men who’ve missed out on Generation Tinder, Howcroft claims Aussies rack up a staggering 50 million swipes a day.
Take the very young, the (genuinely) committed couples and the too old to know how to use an iPhone out of our 24 million population, and that means a middling-sized number of people are doing an enormous amount of hooking up.
And it just wasn’t so damn easy in our day.
One National Tinder Day – Brought to You by Penthouse Magazine
Clearly, something needs to be done, and the answer is crystal clear, we need a National Tinder Holiday.
We here at Penthouse propose that there should be at least one, if not two, of these fabulous Tinder Days a year, on which people who are notionally legally bound not to have sex with people other than their partner can experience the wonder and joy of commitment-less shagging, effortless hooking up, and picking potential partners entirely on their looks (and whether they like animals, which seems to be a big thing for Tinder users).
One National Tinder Day – Brought to You by Penthouse Magazine – might be enough, but wouldn’t it be better, and more practical, if there was one for blokes and another for women?
It would make sense to tie them in with something like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, so that the hard-working parents in our society could get the kind of reward and recognition they’d really like, rather than more socks, ties, flowers and chocolates.
We’d need to be a bit careful with the timing, of course, because parents are expected to wake up in their own beds on the actual day, so what about making a long weekend of it (Australia loves those) and declaring the Mondays after Father’s and Mother’s Day as Tinder Days?
We reckon Tinder would be happy to join us as co-sponsors of the idea, and even the lucky bastards who are actually single will get on board, because for two days a year the ranks of the dating site will swell with people who are absolutely mad for it, and will go off in the sack like people who’ve been chained to just one partner for too long.
Essentially, Tinder simply allows humans, and men, in particular, to live the way we were supposed to, as apes, by spreading our seed far and wide. Marriage and monogamy are unnatural and unnecessary, and Tinder has come along to free us from bondage.
Let us celebrate this, then, by declaring Tinder Holidays for all.