Owen Benjamin is a really tall pianist with – what I assume – is a really tall penis. He got his start in the forests of upstate New York, occasionally popping out to do stand-up back in 2000. This quickly led to opening for Kevin Hart, moving to L.A. and hanging out with Adam Sandler who kept putting him in movies because he’s fucking hilarious. Benjamin was supposed to be a lawyer, but the money was so good in Hollywood he changed his plans and became a famous guy who was on his way to superstardom. Then, one day, about five years ago, he looked around the room and thought, “All of these people are phonies. I miss the trees”, and he grabbed his girl and came back to upstate NY to make babies.
That’s when things got really weird. Making babies made Benjamin realise the people he had left in Hollywood weren’t just lame, they were immoral lunatics. “It all started with the trans thing,” he told us recently, “When they began talking about giving kids hormone blockers to prevent puberty because they’re ‘trans’ I realised their virtue-signalling had no limits.” He became more outspoken about the hypocrisies of the left and was promptly de-platformed. Twitter banned him forever. He can no longer livestream on YouTube. Facebook banned him and comedy clubs refuse to book him. “It was bad for about six months,” he said. “I lost a lot of money and went back to cutting trees, but you power through it and you don’t let the bastards get you down. It’s crazy because my politics haven’t changed. Besides abortion, which I’m now against after seeing one actually come out, I’m still the same guy. They’re the ones who became extreme.”
Benjamin never gave up, buckled down and today, he is selling more tickets than he was back in the Sandler days. He books bars and theaters and doesn’t disclose the location until the very end. The taboo of it all has driven up his currency and now it feels rebellious to go to his shows. He is verboten, and if there’s one thing young people love, it’s checking out the thing you’re not allowed to see.
“I feel like I was in a haze for a long time,” he added while rushing to do another interview, “now I’m free.”