For the Apple fanboy there is no day quite like the launch of a brand new iPhone – even if, most years, it’s a bit of a letdown. Apple chuck in a couple of new features: a screen that looks great but breaks the first time you go out, or a new, quicker operating system so you can stream hardcore porn in HD. Then Bono or some other twat with a guitar comes out and everybody gives each other a big ole pat on the back. At least before Jobs left for the big Genius Bar in the Sky there was always a small chance you might see him have an onstage freak out.
But this year is different. Oh yes, the Apple team have been working hard to bring you the most revolutionary iPhone yet. Their engineers have been tinkering away, pulling long nights, missing birthdays and anniversaries to bring you an iPhone that is made entirely out of glass, can charge wirelessly and sports a terrifying sounding “super fast A11 Bionic Chip with neural engine”. This is all very impressive indeed. But just like that set of steak knives you bought off Danoz Direct, you'll have to wait. Because there's more.
The biggest leap that Apple made – the most revolutionary shift – is that we can finally fulfil that niggling desire we all have to see ourselves as an animated turd.
That’s right – thanks to the new TrueDepth camera that scans and recognises your face (hello, ASIO), we can now control the expressions on a host of emojis – including the big brown shit emoji that we all know and love.
This opens up a whole new realm of possibilities that I know I’m excited for. Now instead of Face Timing your friends and family, why not Turd Time them? If you get the new iPhone before all your friends, you can literally show them what a smug piece of shit looks like. Instead of TedTalks, we can finally see someone deliver a TurdTalk.
What a time to be alive.
Of course there are plenty of other emojis that can be animated through the TrueDepth camera – which also lets you unlock your phone via facial recognition – but we don’t anticipate they will be nearly as entertaining as seeing yourself as a talking poo.
Other features on the new iPhone include:
- All-screen design, so now if you break it you’re truly screwed.
- 5.8 inch Super Retina display, see above
- Face ID secure authentication system, because it's not terrifying enough that Apple have our finger prints
- 12-megapixel back camera, because fuck you, Canon
- Wireless Charging (what a time to be alive).
Recommended Retail Price A$1579 for the 64GB model and A$1829 for the 256GB model. Yes, they’ve really got us by the balls now.