Kids these days have it tough. Unlike those of us born in the 80s and 90s, they don’t have true role models like Marilyn Manson, a man who, from an urban legend, inspired an entire generation of teenage boys to try and suck their own dicks.
Instead, they have a myriad of SoundCloud mumble rappers with shit like “XANAX FIEND” tattooed on their faces. Then there are DJs and electronic producers who know more about the procedure for curing chlamydia than they do of kick drums, beat-matching and compression; and pop stars who masquerade activism and progressive ideals to amass followers so their record labels can make money from their #sponsoredcontent.
As the Earth spins into the turn of a new decade, who have been the truly worst ‘artists’ of prominence over the past 10 years? Let’s take a look at who will feature on a future CIA torture playlist/soundtrack at George W. Bush’s family Christmas.
10. Ed Sheeran
Genre: Acoustic, pop
Enjoyed by: People who were waterboarded at school camp
Ed Sheeran’s music is the equivalent of what is must feel like to have pre-planned missionary with your spouse once a month. It’s made for couples who think it’s fine to eat a McCain’s frozen pizza five times a week and watch The Big Bang Theory while any chance of a fulfilling life passes them by. Slap it on the stereo for the gender reveal party when your friends and family will find out you’re giving birth to a child already utterly disappointed with their future. I’ll chip in for the plane tickets for your honeymoon in Bali, but not your inevitable divorce proceedings and dividing of the Kmart crockery.
09. Steve Aoki
Genre: Electro, house
Enjoyed by: Private school kids with forthcoming meth addictions
I swear to god this man is singlehandedly responsible for the glut of awful EDM festivals that we currently have. Y’know, the ones where DJs with the musical skill akin to 30 minutes of watching an Ableton YouTube tutorial get paid six figures while a bunch of people from the suburbs almost die from unbearable heat, overcrowding and lack of basic facilities. See related: Calvin Harris and basically anything electronic from Sweden. How good is capitalism!
08. Post Malone
Genre: Hip hop, trap
Enjoyed by: Private school kids with forthcoming GHB addictions
I hadn’t heard of this guy before I began researching this article and holy shit I did not need any of that in my brain. I’m not asking anyone to burn down Post Malone’s record studio with him trapped inside, but I mean, if you happen to be in the area.
Genre: Rock, alternative
Enjoyed by: Housewives whose husbands don’t know they own a Hitachi Wand.
Once when I was a kid, I won a Pepsi-branded watch by eating at KFC 10 times. I’m telling you this because it’s more interesting than anything that Coldplay has ever done. They are the musical definition of the Dunning-Kruger effect.
06. Kanye West
Genre: Hip hop, R&B
Enjoyed by: People who think Banksy is high art
Talk about solipsism at its peak. Kanye is a lot like Vice. Seemed kinda cool when you were 16 and living with your divorced mother and had no tether to alternative society, but then you got out into the real world and you realise they’re just trying way, way too hard to stay relevant while their upper management turn geriatric. If we keep letting Kanye go unchecked, he’s going to name his next kid with an ‘@’ symbol and then use their social media to flog his dreadful sneakers. Oh, and apparently he’s into God now. Better plan: smoke meth and hail Satan, you Trump-loving fuck.
Genre: Hip hop, R&B
Enjoyed by: The world’s worst white people
Songs, videos and marketing materials that are all contoured for the meme generation? Canada has released a lot of awful shit onto the world in the past (Justin Bieber, Elon Musk, poutine) but Drake has got to be right up there. Can’t write, can’t rap, and in a diss battle with Pusha T got exposed for bailing on his own newborn kid and doing blackface: helluva one-two punch that he had absolutely no comeback for. Plus: that whole thing with his adoration for teenage girls. “I used to call you (my underage squeeze) on my cell phone.” The Jeffrey Epstein of rap, everyone!
04. The Chainsmokers
Genre: Electronic, pop
Enjoyed by: R. Budd Dwyer
Most musicians on the planet couldn’t make music like The Chainsmokers, or just refuse to on principle. Pretty sure if you drank enough liquor from NQR and put on one of their albums you’d experience a koan and wake up missing a kidney/the will to live.
03. Lady Gaga
Genre: Pop, electronic
Enjoyed by: People who pretty much grew up in that house from Gummo
Does Lady Gaga have a child? A better writer probably would have researched this. I only ask because I would not want to be her firstborn because she has obviously promised them to Satan. How people can find her contrived forms of expression and creative endeavours appealing is far beyond me – in reality, she’s much more like the parasitic twin of David Bowie if the parents were anti-vaxxers.
02. Taylor Swift
Genre: Pop, country
Enjoyed by: Your cousin who named their kid ‘Jesska’ or something stupid
Due to her criss-crosses in genre, Taylor Swift has built up a very eclectic fan base. Scrolling through their Facebook profiles, the Venn diagram offers either new-age hyper-woke young liberals or rednecks whose main goal in life is to save up enough money to buy an all-terrain vehicle that will one day lead to the paralysation of their kids. The one thing that they tend to have in common is the fact they’ve obviously been lobotomised. Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake that prefrontal cortex off!
Genre: Rock, alternative
Enjoyed by: A surprisingly large amount of your friends from high school
JOKES. Nickelback rule. Well, I mean, their music sucks – but that’s not the point. They earned their millions by successfully marketing and contorting being the butt of every stereotypical musical joke for the past decade. They own that and have turned it into careers where they’re one of the best-selling acts of all-time. Truth be told, they’re not that different to The Beatles – except that one of their members hasn’t been assassinated – yet. I admire that.
REAL #01. Chris Brown
Genre: Rap, R&B
Enjoyed by: Parole breakers
I don’t really have to say anything here, do I? While a lot of people on this list have done awful things Chris Brown is probably the only one who should be exiled from society and sent to Chernobyl. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck off..