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Climate Change Vs. Body Positivity
Opinion|May 3, 2022

Climate Change Vs. Body Positivity

There's A Clash Of Cultures Coming, Two Of The Most Powerful Social Movements In Wokedom.
Alexandra Marshall

You cannot have fat climate warriors in a communist-inspired ‘sustainable future’ chomping through more resources than they’re entitled to. When the World Economic Forum said, ‘you will own nothing, and you’ll be happy’ they also meant, ‘you will eat nothing, and you’ll be skinny’.

The writing has been on the wall for a while. If governments start culling farm animals to lower carbon emissions, it’s inevitable fast-food chains will run out of four-legged things to put in burgers.

Net Zero has been merrily brewing on the horizon; stewing in the political Petri dishes of United Nations’ talkfests and Swiss ski resorts. Ensconced in their furs and Champagne, the cream of privilege have decided to update the tired sentiment, ‘Let them eat cake!’

‘Make them eat bugs…’ amended someone, halfway through a flute of bubbly.

No doubt it started as a joke.

For nearly a decade, those corporations present had been involved in an arms race to out-woke each other with the Climate Change cash-cow. After a swift re-branding from ‘Global Cooling’ to ‘Global warming’ and then onto the far more sensible ‘Climate Change’ – every weather event has become irrefutable evidence  for the apocalypse.

Considering this cabal of rich businessmen, politicians, bureaucrats, and celebrities have already convinced the world to pay a tax on carbon – the literal building block of life – what else could they do?After months of watching climate protesters stick their naked arses to public buildings, pour fake blood over themselves, dress as Roman witches high on volcanic smoke, stage mass ‘die-ins’, and attempt some truly horrific improvised dancing – it’s only natural to see if the peasants would line up to eat insects.

And thus began a black-dot system for menus where the carbon footprint of food is displayed alongside the price. It’s not meant as a curiosity. The COP26 Climate Conference served their meaty meals with a stern warning – the insects are coming.

Considering none of them have given up their iPhones to save the planet, I doubt they’ll adapt their UberEats order

The World Wildlife Federation wants to get the carbon footprint of meals down to 0.5 kg of CO2 in service of the Paris Agreement. Swedish start-up Klimato analysed the menu at COP26 to ensure guests could be successfully guilted out of trying traditional Scottish meals. (It’s amazing how many businesses have popped up to profit from deliberately starving the world.)

Calorie counting is set to become a thing of the past, and I challenge anyone to get fat off crispy fried cockroach… which is going to be a major issue for the body positivity, fationistas, health at every size, and other miscellaneous fat acceptance movements.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot envisage a 136-kilo social influencer surviving for long on a diet of Huntsman crisps, butterfly wings, centipede soup, and million-ant cous-cous.

The Net Zero, carbon-controlled menu is a global diet set to be imposed on a bunch of painfully entitled Millennials who have, up until this point, been dutifully shouting climate apocalypse dogma on school days. Considering none of them have given up their iPhones 
to save the planet, part of me doubts they’ll adapt their UberEats order.

It is one thing to shout slogans for a profitable Instagram selfie, but quite another to go hungry every night to save the planet. One wonders

if these kids will finally take a closer look at the people running their beloved social movements and notice that not only are their deities eating juicy chunks of steak, but their ‘climate heroes’ are zooming around on private jets to congratulate themselves on an excellent profit margin on bug products.

Starvation is waiting for all the idiots that allow themselves to be pick-pocketed by catchy hashtags. Or maybe I’m wrong, and the body positivity movement will team up with McDonald’s and vanquish the false climate gods..?