Arrive home. Pass through airport security. Sniffer dogs do not smell any coronavirus on me. Sweat a little when asked whether I’ve brought any fresh fruit into the country – always afraid I might bring some in by accident. On the way home stopped to pick up self-isolation supplies. Elderly man trying to buy last 24-pack of Sorbent. Put him in sleeper hold, got the TP. Settled in quite nicely. Actually looking forward to a couple of weeks’ peace and quiet.
Quarantine life is surprisingly pleasant. Spent the day reading and talking with the family. Isn’t it amazing how little time we take in this modern age to simply sit down and have a conversation with our loved ones? This pandemic might end up being the best thing that ever happened to us as a family. Assuming, of course, we don’t die. Which, for the moment, we aren’t.
Played with the kids. Wonderful time. Took them out the back for a game of cricket. Then out the front for a game of football. Then inside for a game of Uno. Then a game of Ludo. Then a game of Cluedo. Then a game of Twister. Then outside for another game of cricket. Then water pistols. So wet. So tired. But so happy to be connecting with my children! Just imagine, without the virus, I might’ve missed out on this precious quality time.
Spent the morning reading. Finally catching up on my book pile is very satisfying. Didn’t get too much in as the kids came to me and asked me to put up a tent in the backyard. Lots of fun! Bit of difficulty with the pegs, but managed to get it up on the eighth or ninth go. The kids had great fun camping in there for half an hour, then came in and asked to play Xbox. Since I had only just started my film and had no real commitment to the plot, I said that was fine. Started reading but fell asleep.
Running slightly low on food. Asked the wife if she’d mind popping down to the shops, but she screamed and sprayed Glen-20 in my face, so went myself. Saw the same old man still looking for toilet paper. Asked if he’d been here for four days. “Time really doesn’t mean anything to me anymore,” he murmured and tried to bite my wrist. Shook him off fairly easily but had trouble finding bread. Bought some rice cakes which are basically the same thing. Also stocked up on Cadbury Dairy Milk and vodka.
Finished the last of the Cadbury Dairy Milk. Hadn’t planned to, but after wife sanitised the parmas they were basically inedible. Young Sarah asked if she could have a piece of chocolate, but I accidentally elbowed her in the head, and she ran away before I could say yes. So I just ate her piece. Doubt she’d mind. Read for a few minutes but started seeing double so had to lie down for a bit.
Played with the kids all day. Cricket, then football, then cricket, then basketball, then they asked me to teach them to play chess, but someone had thrown the chess set in the incinerator for some reason. Kids asked if I’d help them do a jigsaw but I couldn’t because I pulled a muscle in my thumb. Will do it tomorrow.
Spent the morning cleaning up children’s vomit after they got into my vodka. Spent the afternoon queueing at Dan Murphy’s. Got into a minor fistfight with a man who was trying to buy more prosecco than his fair share. He claimed he only had two bottles, but I saw three more hidden in his wheelchair. Gave him two black eyes and took the three bottles. Cashier said I couldn’t buy them, so drank them in the store. Ran all the way home. Kids waiting for me, told me Mum had locked herself in the laundry.
Had a lovely peaceful day playing a new game with the kids, where I lie on the floor and they take turns jumping off the sofa onto me. It’s the most fun I’ve had in days. The winner is whoever can get me to cough up blood. Today it was Andrew – who will win tomorrow?
Wife emerged from the laundry to grab some watermelon and went back in. Asked her if, since she was in there, she could wash my clothes, as the ones I’ve been wearing are starting to whiff a bit. She screamed back that viruses can be carried on soundwaves and said she was blocking her ears with dryer lint. Started to break down the door but had to do the jigsaw right then, as the children had armed themselves.
Cooked the last of the pasta. No sauce to put on it, but found some old cough syrup which seemed to work just as well. Had a jar of Nutella for dessert – despite the isolation we are still eating like kings! After dinner had a nice game of Yahtzee with the kids. Sent them to bed early after someone started crying and hurling the dice violently at the children’s faces. Strangely unable to remember who it was.
Went to the pharmacist for supplies. Told they don’t stock chloroform. Tried Bunnings but they wouldn’t let me in as they said they “smelled alcohol on my breath”. This is grossly unfair, as the alcohol was not on my breath but on my shirt and pants. Went to Coles and bought more Cadbury Dairy Milk and a king-size box of Froot Loops. Also got lucky and scored a carton of almond milk, which should go well with the lemon I picked off our tree this morning. Got home and found the kids constructing a still. Who said kids need to go to school to learn!
The tranquillity continues. Unbelievable how much I’m getting done with all this spare time! Got out the secateurs and went out to do a bit of yard work. Pruned all the bushes in the front yard and also the postman. Screaming made it difficult for me to read my book. Asked wife for some lint but she has constructed a cross out of the shards of a fabric softener bottle and warned that if I tried to drink her blood she would “cleanse” me. Children celebrated long into the night with their first batch of homebrew.
Found some dog biscuits, which taste a lot better than you might think. Also found the dog, of which this is also true. Kids asked me if I’d like to play strip Scrabble. Said I’d be with them in just a minute, after I finished dousing the house with petrol. Wife came out of the laundry and declared that prayer had cured her. Congratulated her and broke open a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Turned out it wasn’t champagne, but antifreeze. Still has quite a kick! Prepared a simple evening meal of Froot Loops and minced garlic. After dinner, kids went trick-or-treating. Not sure why as it’s not Halloween, but you know kids these days. Had a nice night in with the wife, staring at the TV. Several hours later turned it on. Had a good laugh about this, then a good cry. Then some more crying. Then laughing again. I’ll be sorry when the quarantine is over, the bonding experience has been amazing. And I finished my book!
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