Since the devastating news that Greta Thunberg has relinquished the stage and returned to school, the world has been searching for a moral compass.
It is all well and good for elected despot tyrants to sit around glorified boardrooms, bickering about the fate of the Earth, but what about the voice of the people? The downtrodden masses? The oppressed, victimised, offended, and forgotten? If there is to be any sort of balance in international discussion, then the plebs have to nominate a representative.
Who better to lecture us on the elusive dream of world peace than an American actress who, despite temping at an embassy in Argentina and warning about the evils of the Colonial era, only discovered the existence of the Commonwealth when she married it?
Approaching an industry as a tabula rasa can be a good thing. Meghan Markle isn’t bogged down by the intricacies of history or tied up with the tiresome complications of international arrangements. You don’t want unconscious biases tainting humanitarian efforts at the United Nations or uncharitable thoughts regarding certain political representatives who may or may not be working their way through the crimes against humanity checklist.
Definitely, less-is-more when it comes to geopolitical knowledge if you intend to act as a passive billboard upon which various global factions can purchase advertising space, pinning slogans to diminishing fame.
Part of Meghan Markle’s core drive for this coveted position is the erosion of privilege from the global society.
Privilege is the first principle of evil in the world – the cause of poverty, inequality, and Trump. It is not derived from power, but rather intrinsically linked to skin pigmentation. There’s still some debate regarding at which shade an oppressor turns into a victim, but it seems to be around 1/1024 – or roughly one Elizabeth Warren.
Meghan empathises with the intersectional discrimination faced by those who cannot determine which side of the colour-palette equation they belong on.
“Being ‘ethnically ambiguous’,” she begins, “meant I could audition for virtually any role. Sadly, it didn’t matter: I wasn’t black enough for the black roles and I wasn’t white enough for the white ones, leaving me somewhere in the middle as the ethnic chameleon who couldn’t book a job.”
She faces a similar problem when it comes to paying reparations for the sins of ancestral ghosts, being both a descendent of slaves and settlers. No one is quite sure if this has been exasperated or erased by marrying into the line of succession for the colonial royal family. Meghan either is the reparation or inherited the overdraft. Woke-math is a bit iffy on the detail.
Racism is rife in the West, which is why the head of the British Royal Family gave her blessing to the introduction of a quota-bride into the bloodline. Meghan faced bigotry from the outset, forced to battle over wedding tiaras until losing out to a whiter grandchild.
Even Meghan’s faith as a devout climate activist was frowned upon, with the British press penning an avalanche of wildly unfair articles victimising her over the use of private jets and doubling of her carbon footprint despite her husband setting the record straight. It was necessary to save the planet, and besides – their celebrity friends had promised to plant some trees. The couple even went so far as using vegan paint in the £2.4 million renovation of Frogmore cottage, gifted to them by the Queen. What are you doing about your beaten-up ute? Not planting any shrubs, I bet.
Before becoming a European princess, Meghan fought sexism in Hollywood by taking on the role of a skirt in the chauvinistic production of Suits. It is here that the ‘Meghan Effect’ first began – later improved upon by her husband’s proximity to the throne – in which she was able to dismantle the evil system of materialism in the capitalist world by only endorsing clothing and accessories with a sufficiently ethical management.
In a 2020 interview with Gloria Steinem, hosted in the modest gardens of her culturally inclusive £14.5 million Tuscan-esque villa in Los Angeles, she re-affirmed the importance of women in the upcoming American election by wearing a bracelet with the feminist’s words, “linked not ranked”. More specifically, that she was concerned about voter suppression and supported the Black Lives Matter peaceful* protesters. (*Peaceful may include acts of racially charged violence, intimidation, looting, and/or arson.)
How a Marxist organisation might feel toward a member of the imperialist monarchy advocating on their behalf remains a grey area.
Since finding freedom from the system of opulence she deliberately married into, Meghan has sacrificed some of her royal styles, albeit not quite voluntarily. After all, “Royal Highness”, “Duchess of Sussex”, “Countess of Dumbarton”, “Baroness Kilkeel”, and “princess of the United Kingdom” are more cumbersome to trail around one’s name than the more prestigious university accolades. And so what if her monogram has a little crown doodled over her initial? It adds weight to Meghan’s brand.
The real news this week is that Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex and her husband, Harry, have been able to attain financial independence from the wickedness of privilege. After several long years of suffering, squatting in mansions and slumming it on private jets, they will finally have the privacy as a family they have so desperately longed for – by signing a £75 million Netflix deal.