Hi, my name is Tyson – and for many years I’ve been disappointing women in the bedroom.
Also – guess what – so have you! Quite often, to put it blatantly guys, we absolutely suck to fuck. The double-entendre there is not lost on me, I assure you.
As it turns out, we are not all the sexual incarnation of Adonis that we so habitually believe. Have you ever failed to maintain an erection while having a threesome? I have to tell you – it’s not a great time – especially when one of the girls resigns to the fact and asks what you both want from Uber Eats, and then makes you pay for it. It’s brutal. Forget the GST; that was the most emotionally taxing butter chicken I’ve ever had.
Basically, I’ve had my turns at being Steph Curry getting the opportunity to sink a buzzer-beater in game seven while being guarded by LeBron and then just air-balled like a sexually disappointing motherfucker. I just weaved in a reference about a sport I know very little about to connect and convey an idea with my readers. A Pulitzer, please.
I am well aware that writing this makes the possibility of me ever getting laid again more unlikely than Carlton taking home the flag this year (another sport I know nothing about – seriously I’m on fire here!), but what can I say? Call me a martyr. You will all worship at my many monuments one day. They’ll be like the statue of David, but instead of him having a small dick, it’s just gone limp after 10 minutes of disappointing intercourse, and there’s a woman next to him reaching down the side of a bed for a vibrator and checking for better options on Tinder.
So therein lies the question: how do I – how do we, as men, make sex better for all parties involved? The night I was asked if I had any pitch ideas for Penthouse, I had just failed to make a woman orgasm. Twenty minutes in, I got the tap on the shoulder. A grimace and a shake of the head: “I don’t think it’s gonna happen.” It gave me an idea – interviewing women I had slept with in the past and getting their feedback about how I could up my game.
So, here I am. Please let it be known before you read the following paragraphs: I immensely regret agreeing to do this.
That was the reaction to the first message that I sent a girl asking if she wanted to be involved in this article. Turns out she was keen to contribute but was about to board an international flight and that wouldn’t fit the deadline. Honestly, probably for the best.
Unfortunately, others did not have flights to catch.
“I remember clearly the first time we hooked up,” said Ashlyn Rae*, a girl I had met from OKCupid five years ago. “Mostly, because you created an expectation. Which was us having a bunch of sex and hanging out. But in reality we just got naked and you proceeded to pass out after we had gone out for drinks. I was surprised, disappointed and alone. So I just went home to watch Game of Thrones. If I’m going be awake in the middle of the night, I might as well do it in the comfort of my own home.”
It turns out that six gin and drys on a first date isn’t a good idea – especially if you’ve talked up a big game beforehand.
“Remember that time that we had sex on New Year’s Eve a few years ago?” asked Riley Reid* when I questioned her about my prowess. “You went down on me for half an hour. It was great for the first ten minutes, but the next 20 were really boring. I was never going to orgasm. You didn’t seem to realise that.”
If in 10 minutes of cunnilingus you’re not making progress, it’s time to opt-out and look for another profession. Alright, noted. Was there any way I could have improved this?
“Your technique was repetitive, and not in a good way.”
OK. So, I’ve basically become the sexual personification of the beep test: fun for the first few rounds – afterwards, not so much.
It appears I still have a lot to learn on this subject – and I’ve been doing it for 12 years now (don’t worry, I’m only 27, it’s not like I’ve picked it up as a hobby at 45 like a weird dad who buys a drone and has to tell you about it at Christmas). But that’s O.K. – PhDs take a long time to get as well.
Yes, I just compared myself going down on a girl to being a doctor – albeit a dodgy plastic surgeon who works out of an office hidden at the back of a deli with a terrible OHS record.
Stormy Daniels’* words weren’t quite as mentally damaging:
“Your cat sat at the end of the bed and kept staring at me.”
I’m not going to take the blame for that, but I will start closing my bedroom door so he can’t get in (if my landlord is reading this I definitely do not have a cat and am using it as a metaphor for a journalistic prop – it’s clever, huh? Please don’t kick me out).
Asa Akira* also wasn’t impressed by the atmosphere I created:
“You put on ambient music that would generally be used to put people to sleep – what was that about? Why do you have no hip hop in your iTunes?”
It’s true; I suck at creating a soundtrack for sex. Have you ever heard the explicit version of Play by David Banner? Listening to that feels like having your virginity taken. It, quite unironically, has the line “I ain’t tripping on ya baby, put some dick in your world. Work that clit. Cum girl,” underlined by the filthiest bass-line and elongated siren effect I’ve ever heard. That someone released that on a record earnestly is insane to me. Why aren’t I putting that on? Heck, even just some Barry White? I’m the guy deciding to spin William Basinski’s The Disintegration Loops, which is at its core is a lyric and beat-less six-hour eulogy to the victims of 9/11. I’m really doing myself no favours here.
So here’s the real kicker, and hopefully the paragraph that relinquishes me from never getting laid again: all of the women above? I’ve gone on to have satisfying sexual relationships and am now platonically very close with them all – once the attraction started to subside there was still an emotional rapport. Long before I wrote this article, I spoke with these women about what they found sexually appealing, what they felt were my downfalls in the bedroom, and, quite basically, what I could change to get them off. You want me to pay more attention to a specific area? You got it. You want me to speed things up or slow things down during certain times? 100 percent. You want me to talk dirty? OK sorry, I legitimately cannot do that without laughing at the situation and subsequently going soft. I know that a lot of girls are into the term “daddy” but the last time I was called that all I could think of was my parents’ divorce.
The unjust, ego-boosting ideology that many men have that they know how to please a woman is absurd. Every sexual encounter is diverse, and every woman likes different things in the bedroom (as do dudes, I personally don’t get the watersports thing but hey, if that’s your jam, then you do you in a Russian hotel room, Trump).
Reflecting on the bad sex you’ve had is both a comical and horrific experience. As always, communication and connection is the key to good sex – as it is in any relationship dynamic. Who would have thought?
*Names have been changed – not because they are worried about a lack of anonymity, but because these women are more pragmatic than I and would not like the knowledge that they once had sex with someone with as bad of a haircut as mine to be in the public domain. Instead, I have replaced them with the names of popular actresses on PornHub, as that’s probably where I’ll be spending the rest of my days once this is published.