You wouldn’t think porn and a pandemic would have a lot in common, but sex has come up a lot during the coronavirus conversation. Even in a global health crisis, porn always manages to shine through. Porn sites like Camsoda and Pornhub have generously offered free porn to those in quarantine and ‘Coronavirus’ porn has gone viral. A search for coronavirus on Pornhub returns 1088 videos with titles like “Curing coronavirus with anal” and “Getting coronavirus was worth the creampie” with a few double clicks of the mouse. What a time to be alive.
I’ll admit, I'm easily entertained and the existence of virus-themed porn certainly piqued my interest. But was it going to actually be any good or was this just another viral marketing tactic? Since Penthouse’s version of quarantine is different from your regular working-from-home quarantine, I decided to do my bit for news journalism and review three coronavirus themed porn scenes.
1. Kisankanna has found a way to treat the coronavirus!
This clip starts out with some spectacular acting from a guy who’s portraying being ill. He takes his temperature, he’s heavy breathing, he’s sweating and he dramatically dry heaves while drinking a cup of tea. We are assuming he has caught the ‘rona.
He sits at his kitchen table and starts watching a Youtube video (that is on pause), while audio of Trump and newsreaders alerting people there’s going to be a lockdown. Then he starts to sort through a pile of pill packets in the fruit bowl next to him and clearly can't find his coronavirus medication, so he proceeds to dramatically throw them on the kitchen floor.
He then picks up the phone and sensibly dials and ambulance.
He’s lucky because, within seconds, a beautiful auburn-haired Russian ambulance driver called Kisankanna enters his house. She’s wearing a white button-up dress with slits up the side that reveal black thigh high stockings. She’s carrying a small plastic tub that has about five types of medicine in it, and she’s not wearing gloves, a face mask or even shoes. Kisankanna walks straight up to the patient and upon noticing his cock bulging down one side of his pants says, “Why is your leg so swollen?” The guy smoothly responds, “Is this a new coronavirus symptom?”
The guy then begins to panic and pulls out his cock (which is actually a horse phallus dildo) and yells, “Heal me!” Clearly they do medicine differently in Russia because Kisankanna immediately rips open her dress to reveal a matching red bra and panties and gets to work on the dildo.
They really commit to the enlarged-penis-but-it's-actually-a-dildo thing too. No real penis is seen for the entire 9-minute clip.
Kisankanna receives a voluminous creampie from the ejaculating dildo and the scene ends with the guy exclaiming, “Wow! I feel so much better now.”
If only it was that easy.
Rating: 3/5 facemasks.
2. COVID-19 Coronavirus: Using Protection During Outbreak
This scene kicks off with Little Squirtles bouncing through the front door and exclaiming “I’m so horny!” to her self-isolating step-Dad (who happens to look like a 20-year-old skateboarder). As she bounds towards him, Teen Dad freaks out and says, “Don’t you move a foot closer! Have you heard of COVID-19? You aren’t even wearing a mask!”
Teen Dad is not taking any risks.
The naughty Quaran-teen snaps back with, “You mean the coronavirus all the way over in China? I’ll be fine. It’s like a little flu! I have a mask in my car! Just fuck me!”
Dad is more alarmed that Squirtles thinks some random face mask is going to protect her from the deadly coronavirus, so he starts lecturing her on the importance of wearing an n95 mask while telling her the latest stats on the virus.
Squirtles rolls her eyes, stamps her feet and pouts, “I don’t have time for this! My pussy is so wet!”
Teen Dad agrees to sex, as long as it’s protected. We realise he’s not talking about condoms when he slips a face mask over Squirtles face and they sensually rub masks.
Love in the Time of Corona
They isolate themselves to the bedroom and within minutes, Squirtle is grinding against the plastic filter of her Porn Dad’s face mask.
For the next three minutes, we a slow-motion missionary-with-face-masks shag fest while Take My Breath Away plays in the background.
Rating: 2/5 face masks.
3. Treatment of the Penis with Antiseptic (The Fight Against Coronavirus)
That amount of hand sanitiser can't be good for a penis.
This scene opens on a woman in a white top, wearing a pink wig and a face mask. She is doing her bit in the fight against coronavirus by rubbing what we are to believe is antiseptic on a hard penis. She continues to do this for the next seven and a half minutes. Spoiler: the scene ends with an anticlimactic orgasm and not the deus ex machina I feel like I was sold with the title.
Rating: 0.5/5 face masks.