Is Having Breakup Sex With Your Ex A Good Idea?
Evidence Suggests That Breakup Sex Might Actually Be The Best Thing For A Breakup.
Everyone knows that the best part of a breakup is the potential for breakup sex. Sometimes a magical thing happens where you break up with someone and before you both move on with your lives, you mutually decide to have one last shag and for some reason, it’s amazing. But is breakup sex a smart idea or is it ultimately more mindfuck than its worth?
Why is breakup sex so good?
For anyone that’s ever had breakup or makeup sex, you’ll know that it has the potential to be some of the best sex of your life. But why?
Basically, when you break up with someone, the situation is usually surrounded with a lot of emotions and very strong and intense feelings. You might be hurt, frustrated or downright pissed off with your ex, yet it’s that very clusterfuck of emotions that can sometimes prove to be the ultimate aphrodisiac, leading to some really hot and often really confusing sex.
Relationship psychotherapist Kate Moyle says that the reason that breakup sex is so hot is because we don’t feel the pressure to perform. “For many couples, it can allow them to let go of their inhibitions in some way, as they are emotionally detaching from their partner,” she explains.
“Sometimes a bit of distance can promote us being more sexually explorative or adventurous, as we don't fear the sense of rejection as strongly.”
Why are we drawn to breakup sex?
Breakup sex has different meanings for everyone. For some, it’s about having one last hot fling to celebrate everything that was good in the relationship – to essentially memorialise with one last banger of an orgasm.
However, in some cases, initiating breakup sex might be because one person is still attached and is wanting to sway the other into staying.
Is breakup sex a good or a bad thing?
Surprisingly, the evidence leans more towards breakup sex being a positive thing.
If the relationship has ended mutually, with both parties prepared to move on, breakup sex can be an important tool in closure.
Dr John Moore, licensed psychotherapist and cognitive behavioural specialist, says that breakup sex can be an important part of a separation and can help couples find closure in a healthy way. “Most people think relational collapses are an immediate event when in fact, they aren’t,” he says. “Instead, breaking up is part of an ongoing process.” And having sex one last time can be an important part of letting go of that person.
This is further supported by research reported in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour, which found that breakup sex didn’t have too much of an effect in terms of whether or not people moved on from their exes. Based on the findings of both studies, the researchers were able to conclude that people who had sex with their exes had zero impact on how they recovered from the breakup.
However, having breakup sex in the instance where one party is trying to rescue the relationship by salvaging it with sex is definitely not a good or healthy idea. Having sex in this scenario will only just prolong the pain for the person who is still attached, leading them to feel more confused than they were before the breakup happened. Moyle says that in situations where it’s a one-sided breakup, “breakup sex here may be something that gives [the broken-up-with partner] hope that it can be saved.”
In short, when there’s a mutual breakup and a mutual understanding, one final hot goodbye fling can actually be a healthy closure to a relationship. However, if one party is using sex to try and win the other partner’s affection, as much as it might feel good in the moment, it’s not going to be worth the emotional aftermath.