While social distancing has without a doubt cockblocked (or rather, corona-blocked) many people from going out and getting laid, it’s also caused a worldwide surge in online sex toy sales as people stuck in coronavirus self-isolation make the most of their cooped up alone time.
We might be in a crisis but sex toy sales around the world have never been better. Sales in Italy, where the entire country is in lockdown, are reportedly 60 per cent higher than average. Sex toy brand Womanizer has also seen a 50 per cent rise in sales. Curiously, there’s also a rising trend in coronavirus porn (yep, it’s true). And BBoutique, the online store for Bellesa vibrators, is giving away thousands of vibrators for free.
Honestly, it makes sense that people would be panic buying sex toys in a pandemic. They’re the best type of procrasturbation (procrastination through masturbating) and orgasms are a great way to help alleviate stress and anxiety caused by the nonstop, overwhelming overload of coronavirus news and statistics. Plus, there’s only so much Netflix you can watch and you can’t leave the house and go do anything, so sex toys provide a temporary fun activity.
Lucky for you, Penthouse is here to help you navigate your quarantine with a list of of some exciting sex toys for isolation masturbation.
1. Randy Fox Rechargeable Power Thruster
Is there anything more disappointing than your arms getting tired when you’re manually power thrusting a dildo into yourself or someone else? I think not. I don’t know about you but sometimes I sit and wonder why dildos won’t just do all the work for me. Until now. Meet the Randy Fox Power Thruster. At the press of a button, this thick mechanical shaft thrusts on its own accord. Just grip it with two hands and hold on to your face mask because you’re in for an intense ride. This toy is made of premium grade silicone material, boasts 12 vibration modes, four thrusting patterns for when you want to jazz it up and is USB rechargeable. Feeling randy?
Get it here. Enter code CHEERS20 for 20% off.
2. Ultimate Tongue-Gasm Simulator
I think it was at the 72-hour mark of self-isolation when I wished I could go down on myself. If you’ve ever thought about pleasuring yourself like this, you aren’t alone. Unless you’re in self-isolation, then you probably are and good on you for helping to flatten the curve. While you’re doing your bit for humanity, lie down and feel the curve of the Ultimate Tongue-Gasm Stimulator as this tongue vibrator tickles and licks you where it feels the best. This toy isn’t for sensitive souls who enjoy a gentle lapping of the clitoris though, the Tongue-Gasm feels like a power-tool-tongue hybrid between your legs. The Tongue-Gasm’s ergonomic shape means it can also be used internally to stimulate the G-spot.
Get it here.
3. Renegade Sphinx Warming Prostate Massager
It’s a fact that the colder the weather gets, the less likely my desire to get naked is. Add some cold sex toys with even colder lube and that’s a recipe for I’d rather watch Netflix and chill. I have to say that the Renegade Sphinx is a winter gamechanger for men who aren't afraid of giving their prostate some loving. The best part of this P-spot massager from Randy Fox is that it has a heating function. Yep. You read that correctly. Press the little fire emoji button and within seconds, the buttplug gets really toasty. The Sphinx is flexible with a vibrating ball sack ring, features two rechargeable motors and is made of body-safe luxurious silicone. Operate it with the wireless controller so you don’t have to fiddle around mid-use to change settings for hands-free operation. The best chance of a ‘booty call’ you’re likely to get for now.
Get it here.
4. Ava Customisable Ultimate Vibrator
Remember when we used to be able to go to the beach? Relive those sweet summery, pre-apocalypse memories with the Ava. I’ll admit, I’d never seen a vibrator that looked like a shark before this aesthetically-jarring sex toy came into my life. Designed and created for women and couples, Ava consists of a vibrating base unit and a removable sleeve made of silky, soft medical grade silicone. Its creator – Down Under Toys – is intending on producing a variety of sleeve shapes, so you can keep the base unit and swap-over sleeves to whatever your desired texture the moment calls for. Honestly, I wasn’t sure Ava would float my boat (or cruise ship) but let’s just say there was motion resulting in an ocean.
Get it here.
5. Fun Factory Manta Stroking Versatile Vibrator
Upon first glance, you’d be forgiven for thinking that this men’s toy bears a striking resemblance to an insect’s mandibles. Perhaps that’s where the Manta got its name? Either way, this men's toy has a smart design and is sexy to look at. The Fun Factory Manta also doubles as a couple’s vibrator. Jazz up your quarantine masties by using the Manta as a stroker, thrusting it back and forth to your heart’s delight. The Manta’s inner ridges are cleverly designed to hold lube and provide great stroking sensations. Alternatively, if you’re holed up with your lover, use it during sex and turn your penis isn’t a human vibrator, or, take blowjobs to another level. It's ergonomic shape lets you use it comfortably from any angle. Bonus feature: the Mantra comes with a travel-lock feature so it doesn't accidentally go off in the airport (or in a more believable situation, during a work-from-home conference call).
Get it here.
6. New Sensations Novelties Mojis Plugs
The expression on this buttplug’s flared base face is the whole world’s mood summed up right now. Bring some excitement to your new working-from-home life by sliding this shellshocked Mojis butt plug inside you before you go on a conference call (you don’t even need to put pants on!). Made from medical grade and body-safe silicone, the Mojis plug is unisex, non-porous and best used with water-based lubricant.
Get it here.
7. Zalo Hero Clitoral Vibrator
It’s here. 2020’s Cadillac of vibrators. If there’s one toy you should choose to be quarantined with, it’s this Emerald Green Queen, adorned a Swarovski crystal: the Zalo Hero. The Hero is a work of art both in aesthetics and function. It’s been designed very thoughtfully for seamless grip and handling during use. The toy mimics a tongue and uses Zalo’s unique PulseWave technology to deliver a swinging motion frequenting up to 75 times per second within a 30mm width. It's essentially like a silky, flappy vibrating tongue. The receiver’s clitoris won’t know what hit it. The Hero comes with its own magnetic USB charger and one hour of charge will give you up to three hours of sensation to fill in some time. Masturbating during an apocalypse never felt so damn luxurious.
Get it here.
8. OhMiBod Lovelife Finger Vibrator
Is the state of the world getting you down? Give coronavirus the finger with the OhMiBod Lovelife Finger Vibrator. This little beast might be small in size but it packs a pleasurable punch. The Lovelife's ergonomic, lightweight design makes it easy to hold onto during play and use from all angles. It’s waterproof, so take it into the shower, close your eyes and imagine you’re somewhere that’s not your own house and ride the waves of pleasure. Bonus – the Lovelife is also quiet enough that you can sneak in some solo play without disrupting your quarantined roommates.
Get it here.
9. Svakom Nymph Soft Moving Finger Vibrator
If you’re feeling isolated and miss the sensation of another person’s fingers on and in you, then you’re going to get handsy when you hear about the Nymph Finger vibrator. This toy is made up of a round head vibrator at one end and ‘pleasure fingers’ at the base that wriggle and massage like overexcited fingertips. It’s equipped with five vibration modes and five intensities for each mode, plus three speeds of the massaging fingers. The Nymph is rechargeable and one 90 minute charge will give you around two hours of playtime. This toy is guaranteed to make you forget about impending doom for at least a few minutes.
Get it here.
10. Palm Power Extreme Massager
Sometimes you just need a really powerful orgasm to numb the pain. If those lightweight buzzy vibrators turn you off, then the Palm Power Extreme Massager is going to both turn you on and drown out the noise in your head. Use this power tool not only for sexy times but for its intended use – as a massager. Let it untie the knots in the muscles in the body as it deeply massages you with its strong vibrations. The curved neck allows the massager to stimulate all the right spots. The Palm Power is USB rechargeable, so it’s always ready for action. Relaxation massage, anyone?
Get it here.