X
What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Sex Life
Sex|Feb 2, 2021

What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Sex Life

We Figure Out How You Like To Bang Based On Your Zodiac Sign. Highly Scientific Stuff, Guys.
Chris Flynn

Like it or not, every time we surf the Interwebs, we are data mined. You can try to keep a lid on your real identity, use a VPN and wear a fake moustache, but it’s still possible to build a profile based on your browsing history, cache and propensity for looking at naked ladies. Where this gets interesting is when there’s enough data to link sexual preferences to personality types or, in the case of the latest research, astrological sign. So, let’s have some fun by matching star signs to the kind of sex you’re likely to be into. This is all highly scientific, by the way. Astrology, guys. It’s real.

 

Aries

You don’t mess around, do you? Aries are passionate and aggressive. They don’t hold back. No room for romance or foreplay. It’s go time. When an Aries says, “Let’s fuck,” you better be ready to drop those pants and take care of business. I’m dating an Aries, because: duh.

 

Taurus

Complete opposite to Aries. Taureans like to take their time. They prefer foreplay. Scented candles, coconut oil massages, lingering gazes, all that jazz. Also, they probably like jazz. Whatever works for you, I guess, but see above.

 

Gemini

The twins, so guess what? Geminis are into group action or dating multiple partners at once. They like taking risks and require constant stimulation. They can be needy, but if you’re willing to satisfy that need, then you’re laughing all the way to the money shot. Just remember, you’re not the only one in their DMs.

 

Cancer

Incurable romantics. Dinner at a fancy restaurant, flowers, weekends away, all leading to a heady lovemaking session with flailing 80s hair and a Michael Bolton power ballad playing in the background.

 

Leo

Leos are control freaks who secretly want to be in a situation they cannot control. They go weak at the knees when imagining a four-on-one scenario, ideally with four Aries guys or gals. This matchmaking shit is easy, bro.

 

Virgo

Not exactly what it says on the tin, Virgoans are the sort of people who like to dress in latex and whip someone’s testicles. Virgos are inveterate doms. You have been warned.

 

Libra

The scales of justice play their part here. Librans like everything above board and legal. No exploitation. However, they’re lawyers, so they like a bit of dirty talk. Tell them what you’re going to do and watch them melt. No objection, your Honour.

 

Scorpio

Don’t bother faking it with a Scorpio. They like to keep it real. The most likely sign to be up for some home movie action, either watching or participating. Scorpios are why Snapchat was invented.

 

Sagittarius

Poor old Sags. They like to travel the world and go down on you next to the Trevi fountain. Lockdown is a total boner killer for Sagittarius, because they enjoy nothing more than risky public sex. Zoom orgies just don’t cut it.

 

Capricorn

Interesting. Caps are shy, reticent and not that into their own personal pleasure. Which makes them perfect submissives. Break out the ropes and tie those Christmas babies up. A good match for Virgos.

 

Aquarius

Aquarians are really into finding out who you are and what makes you tick. They like to be stimulated mentally so if you’re a smart, lonely dude, hook up with an Aquarius. She will blow your mind and, well, you know the rest.

 

Pisces

The most creative sign of the Zodiac. Pisceans favourite thing in the world is to construct elaborate sexual fantasies. In fact, sometimes they prefer fantasy to the real thing. By the time an actual person sits on their face, it’s all over. Take it from a seasoned Piscean campaigner. This astrology stuff is so on the money. 

Artwork by Exotic Cancer.